"Santa Claus is going to bring you a big surprise tonight, you just wait and see"
Ho, ho, ho. I'd be jovial too if I could run around dressed as Santa with a fuck-off axe.
Look, I love my 80's schlock, shock horror movies as Grizzly can attest.
(read: Alligator) and I was hoping for so much more when viewing this.....
Thanks to Griz, I picked this one up in the mail the other day. My night consisted of the usual ritual of watching a new horror flick. And that was to:
1. Drink beer
2. Read the back of the DVD cover multiple times
3. Drink some more beer
4. Fluff up a comfy pillow
5. See if I have anymore beer in the fridge (and I did have)
6. Start getting excited about watching said movie
7. Wait for the missus to go to bed
8. Tell her to get me a beer on her way to bed
9. Kick back and enjoy
And again, I followed this to a tee.
I just found this movie to have way too many people I would want to punch in the face if I ever met them. Seriously. You know what I mean. You know those people who you meet, they stand there chatting away at you and all you can think of is, fuck, I have only met you like 2 minutes ago but I so want to coil my arm back, make a fist and then forward my arm really fast so it makes contact with your face. It's not their fault, they just have punchable heads. I use the line (not lightly):
"Your face offends me"
Let us take Ellie, the mother in the film, for an example. Actually, first I will give you a quick intro.
The basis of the story is that poor Billy has to put up with:
1. Not punching his mother in the face due to her "punchable face"
2. (As per the back of the DVD cover)... and I quote "never gets over the shocking murder and rape of his parents one Christmas eve".
Ok, so firstly, as you will see in my point 2 of my horror movie ritual, I obsessively read the back of the DVD cover. Now, I think that whoever authored the back of the DVD cover, probably thinks that accidentally getting a spontaneous erection on public transport (or a "traveller") constitues rape of some description. Basically Ellie, gets her shirt ripped open and strangled. We get to see her boobs **BONUS** and Dad gets killed, both not via being anywhere near "raped". Anyways, the care factor = 0 because, I was hoping they would be killed 10 minutes before they did.... and that was at the 10 minute mark... oh, and they were killed by some bloke in a Santa outfit.... and his 6 month old brother was in the car too....(Correct... I smell a sequel too.)
"Don't worry, Grandpa's not going to hurt you"
So, fast forward a few years and Billy has to go to an orphanage because he has no parents and he has to look after his younger brother. Enter Billy with a mullet. Enter Mother Superior. I thought Oprah was the most annoying person on earth. Not a speck of shit on Mother Superior. Speaking of Mother Superior, I think there is a Guiness Book of Records entry for the most times "Mother Superior" is said in a 90 minute sitting. And this movie obtained that record. I swear, every second sentence has someone saying "Yes Mother Superior", "No Mother Superior". The only good thing about Mother Superior is that she catches a couple of naked people rooting (yes, more boobs! **BONUS**) and she has to whip them with a leather belt. You will love this if you are into Threesome Granny bondage Porn. One question I had with the nuns was, why are they always talking up Santa? I thought Christmas had something to do with some bloke named Jesus and not Santa? Maybe Jesus wore a red suit..... I digress.....
"Stick with me kid, the time this party is over, you'll think you are Santa Claus"
So Billy grows up, is harassed by some nuns, has a terrible OH&S policy at work moving boxes incorrectly in a toy store and gets the hots for some chick who is basically a skank. She doesn't look or act like a skank, but you know she is a skank. Just like people with punchable faces..... So, the owner of the toy store, Mr Sims, just wants to get on the piss on Christmas eve (who doesn't!) and makes Billy dress up in a Santa outfit for the kids. Wrong move. You would have thought that the nuns would have told Mr Sims when they asked him to employ Billy, "Oh, by the way, anything to do with Santa, makes him freak out and fuck shit up".
Queue Grizzly's favourite boob-er-ella Linnea Quigley, who is getting it on with some bloke on a pool table, when she opens the front door with no top on **BONUS** and let the fun begin.
While I have seen better movies, I have also seen worse. (Near Dark springs to mind.. what a turkey.) Maybe its because Barabara Crampton is not in it..... Mmmmmm.... Barbara Crampton.
So, from now on, what I am going to do for my reviews is also give you an album that I think would go well with each movie. So basically, you can put the movie on, turn the sound down, put the album on and let it be like some sort of massive music video. Make sense? Nope? Good.
Recommended album: TOOL - AENEMA.
Starts off violent, gets all weird and crazy in the middle and ends with some axe chopping death riffs...
Enjoy.