How to rate the B-Movie? This is a question that has plagued mankind for millennia.
Here at B-Movie Cheese we like three things in our B-Movies: Gore, Boobs and Cheese. As such each of these categories are assigned a value from 0-5.
The higher the rating, the happier we are. The categories of Gore, Boob and Cheese are indicated as follows:
Gore:
Boobs:
Cheese:
It would be nice to "weight" these ratings - as they accumulate for any given review, so as to come up with a score out of 10 that appears consistent across reviews. However, the rating of a B-Movie is not a science. In many instances a complete lack of Gore and Boob is entirely made up for by a massive Cheese factor, just as a high Gore score can be let down by a lack of Boob... or lifted by that single perfect cameo boob.
Sometimes it's that Linnea Quigley shower scene, or the Lance Henriksen cameo that makes all the difference.
It should be noted that just as Boob scores may appear inconsistent - so too can Gore value - in which for example, a beautiful clay animated sequence might garner a higher score than a generic gore sequence. Please also note that high scores will always be allocated to films that include:
1. A "Timmy"
2. Nude aerobics
3. A Fatal Eye Gouge (click here for more about FEGs)
It should be clear that there are instances where The Grilled Snout and Grizzly Porkiff will identify identical levels of all three elements of Gore, Boob and Cheese - and still come up with a different overall score out of 10. There really is no accounting for taste (especially when it comes to the Grilled Snout and his Near Dark hating ways).
At the end of the day it's that magical perfect combination of cheese, flesh and violence counts the most towards a perfect
This is what we live for.
Welcome friends... to B-Movie Cheese.