House by the Cemetery - review by Snout

TRACK PLAYING:

'SHE WAS THE UNIVERSE' BY THE OCEAN FROM 'ANTHROPOCENTRIC'

"The smell of the rooms terrifies me and lures me..... the smell of blood"

There's just something about Italian Horror films. They all look as budget as shit, are overdubbed poorly and always have a main character in it that looks like a transvestite/freak.(See Peter Bark from Burial Ground. Zombie's that operate machinery!) If you watch Italian horror films, you know what I mean. In this, it happens to be an eight-year old kid. From the very first scene you see 'shim' in it and it brings back the old thoughts of "yep, there is that someone with a punchable face again". Wow this kid is annoying. Obviously I can't punch an eight year old kid in the face but I surely can give him an atomic wedgie.


I sometimes feel like that show "My name is Earl", where I feel bad about all the things I have done to people in my early days, I feel as though I should find them and do something nice, like apologise. This is where the atomic wedgie comes back into play. We used to have this kid at school, who wasn't a bad kid but was fairly annoying so one day, for some unknown reason, a heap of us grabbed him on the basketball court and gave him such a wedgie that he was holding on to the basketball ring. Yep, that's how high we got him up by his undies. Poor bastard. He never really did anything bad but the following CARTOON summed him up....Anyway, so back to my point, I hated the tranny 8-year old and I wanted to punch him in the face. Back to the moofie.....

According to the film, old Dr Freudstein has been hiding out in the basement of this old mansion since 1879, feeding on the trespassers and the inhabitants that are stupid enough to move into. And I say that because the mansion is smack bang in the middle of an old cemetery.I can just hear it now, the good wife is saying to the husband
"Um, dear, while the price is very attractive, I'm not sure if this house is in the best location for us. Ah, it's kinda in the middle of the cemetery"
Husband replies with,
"It's only a couple of head stones dear. Seriously, do you really think people are buried there? Who in their right mind would bury their own in the garden? And even if people are buried there, think of how good the soil will be to plant the veggie patch. Your petunias will look great, so vibrant".
(Ugh....the last paragraph is an example of when comedy goes wrong and you just couldn't be bothered deleting it . This is because it took you so long to come up with it and it just wasn't funny in the end. You wish it was and hope that someone will laugh but alas, no one will dickhead, no one will....)

So, the good Doctor has been, and I quote "Using their flesh cells to keep him alive". Sounds good? It is good! We don't really get to see a good chunk of the Doc until close to the end but for a bloke that has been locked up in a cellar for 100-odd years, he has amazingly good looking hands in some shots. Not sure what he has been using for moisturiser... maybe something with Zinc??? But funnily enough, in the next shot, his hands are decrepit and rotted. Maybe the moisturiser had too much zinc in it.... old Santa's sack was a bit full from living in the cellar for over 100 years...... He definitely needs some "Scrotox". I'm not going to explain that one but I'm sure you can figure it out.

"I read somewhere that those pills can cause hallucinations"

So, the first shot of the movie is boobs. Yep, boobs. In fact,  they are the ONLY boobs in this film. What makes up for the lack of boob are the kill scenes by good old Dr Freudstein, which  mind you, kicks off about 1 minute after we see boobs. (Do you reckon I can write boobs again?? How many times can the word boob appear in this paragraph....boob....)
First kill: The old knife in the back of the head trick. Brutal. Shortly after, the family and their transvestite 8-year old kid, who's name is Bob (seriously, who names their kid "Bob"? It's not Robert and have used Bob for short, it's just Bob. Why don't you just call the kid "Dickhead"?, that's what the kids at school are going to call him. Either that or "Tranny"... Harsh I know but hey, I was brought up in an all boys school. That kind of place is rife with harsh name calling and the like. See: Atomic wedgie section) move in to this mansion after been warned off by a girl in a 1879 black and white painting. Creepy eh?... no, not really. It so happens that there is a real girl named "Mae" wandering around warning Bob about the house and other various things. Surprise! She's the one from the painting! I think she likes him. Maybe it's because he plays with dolls - geez, how could I have forgotten that small bit of important, "here is my reasoning for calling him a transvestite" information.... P.s: that's not the only reason. He looks like one too. I know you are but what am I???

The basement in this place is boarded off when they move in. Some chick (hot, yes! but with massive eyebrows... it works, believe me, I'm married) turns up named Ann, and tells them that the "Agency sent her as a baby sitter" - The Omen anyone?? (at least the Omen had a kids name that wasn't insert offensive word. Seriously, I'm trying my hardest to be as PC as possible and coming from a work place where the swear words are many and farting is double the swear words, I think I'm doing pretty well). Ann cleans up Freudy's kills and everyone is happy, except the dead people. Why? Cause they're dead. Goh, were do we get these subscribers from?
Curiosity eventually gets the better of the Tranny and he goes into the basement to find out what's going on down there. Mind you, It takes about an hour and a half to get to this point.
There is an amazingly good and gorey bat attack scene in this movie. You see, there's this bat right, and then there's this hand ok, and then there is this pair of scissors... you can see where this scene is going. Magnificent.
In fact, all of the kill scenes are amazingly good and gorey. Fulci hasn't held back on the blood factor at all. While the movie drags a little from the beginning (after the boobs of course...mmmm...boobs...) until the creepy doc finally gets to have a showdown with the tranny and his family. And, it wouldn't be an Italian horror movie without the appearance of maggots of some description. There are, and there are a plenty.

So in closing, It was a great addition to the Fulci collection even if it did drag on for a while during the middle. So as I promised back in my previous review, I am going to give you an album to listen to while you play this movie...

Recommended album: THE OCEAN - ANTHROPOCENTRIC 

Great album that starts hard, randomly amazing through the middle, then finishes on some great riffage and a nice track to take us out through the credits. Note: check out the discordant, horror-esque track called "The Grand inquisitor III: A Tiny grain of faith". This band = genius.

METAL OUT WITH YOUR SNOUT OUT. \m/