Dark Country - review by Snout

"Don't tell me you're one of those 'I never take a wrong turn' guys...."

"I never turn"

I should have never taken on so much uni work this semester. Two subjects while working full-time? Yes, I am serious, having a sook and delusional all at the same time. It's not so much the amount of work but someone in Foxtel land is out to get me to fail. Every time I try and start some study, there is always a horror movie on. Fox is not really know for showing horror movies as they are more likely to show That Darn Cat. I was almost going to turn it over to watch "That Darn Cat" for shits and giggles but I thought of my wife and how she would have had to clean up the aftermath of my copremesis. I am not going to explain to you what that is (as we are a PG15 - M rated blog site) and I am "Thinking of the children". Speaking of copremesis and children, the same thing happened to me when I watched the "Children of the Corn" remake. WHAT A TURKEY



So, the other day I tried to study and Jaws 2 appeared. Well, I couldn't NOT watch that, so I thought, "I'll just watch this and then get into study". The end credits roll after 1.5 hours and because I'm now in half procrastination mode, I see what's coming up next. Blow me down! It's Night of the Living Dead remake. Even though I own both of these movies on DVD, I can't waste the opportunity to watch it on foxtel. I did sign over my first born child to Rupert when the foxtel man connected me up to the dish. I've always wondered how old Mr Murdoch is still alive and then realised that it's all of that kiddie flesh he's been ingesting from every one's first born.

Anyway, this brings me onto Dark Country. Again, I was trying to write some code for my C software subject when I see Thomas Jane splashed across the screen. I think this bloke is a ripper actor. If you have never seen the Stephen King movie adaptation of "The Mist", then you should stop reading this and go and get it. Go on. Do it. You know you want to. It is one of my favourite movies of all time. That and "Tremors". Giant sand worms. Enough said. I am intrigued by a movie with Thomas Jane AND Ron Perlman in it (Tom also directs) so down goes the laptop and C programming and up comes the feet and the pillow on the lounge to kick back for Dark Country.....

"I told you to stay on 95"

The story goes that Dick and Gina are recently married in Vegas and are on their honeymoon, making their way across the desert. Fill in a bit of banter, some touchie, feelie in the car at night with the headlights off and WHAM-O!, they turn the lights back on to see some bloodied bloke standing in the middle of the road in which they swerve to miss but end up collecting. It's nice how in all of the cast credits, this bloodied blokes name is....... BLOODYFACE. Genius script writing there. They take Mr Bloodyface (he really should be called NOFACE for reasons apparent) and put him in the backseat to take him to get help. He wakes up and goes a bit mental in the back seat and tries to kill old cock.. I mean Dick. A struggle happens outside the car where old cock beats Bloodyface to the sheizen-poopen and that's where I'm going to leave it.

OK, I know you are saying, "But Snout, this movie is neither a Horror or B-Movie Cheese! Why are you writing about it?"
I will retort with, "I know that dickhead, I can write about anything I like. It's my freakin' blog"
*Queue one and only reader closing this blog window, never to return.....

I wrote about this movie because I liked it. I liked Bloodyface. I liked the hot chick in it. I liked the twists and turns. I liked the weird "Twilight Zone" feel to it. The only thing lacking in it was, the hot chick needed to get her (insert whatever you want to - You know my stance on what needs to be here) out. The plot is simple enough, even though you feel it has borrowed heavily from David Lynch's "Lost Highway". The simple plot is why it only goes for an estimated 88mins me thinks. (85mins in Germany. What is the go there? How can you cut out 3 mins in German? I've seen "those" German films and they like a bit of torture, let me tell you!)

Dark Country:
0 fatal eye gouges
1 body count
0 coconuts
3/5

ALBUM TO LISTEN TO:

This one was a toughie as there is no real hard, fast action so it was kinda hard to find something to go with it. So I'm going with:

ALICE IN CHAINS : DIRT

If you have heard this album, then I don't need to tell you the drug induced tones of Layne Staley is perfect for this bizzare film.

SNOUT.