Monster High - review by Grizzly

I didn't get a quote for this film. I was too busy gouging my eyes out.




I am yet to award a film the official Bmovie Cheese rating of dogshit. The Grilled Snout bestowed the film Husk with the prestigious shit rating earlier this year. To be honest I think Monster High (imdb) deserves the dogshit rating. I fear that by the end of this review we will have another turd for the pile; my finger is twitching above the dogshit button.

First lets get something straight. If your going to strongly imply the presence of a "Timmy" in your film - there better be a goddamn "Timmy" in the fucking movie. Observe the following screenie from the DVD menu on Horror High:

See up in the right hand corner? Someone (presumably "Timmy") has etched the following statement into the high school lockers:

I spent the first 25 minutes of Monster High anxiously awaiting the "Timmy" only to discover... you guessed it: there is no fucking "Timmy". Such a shame for the overall rating of Monster High - it's a well known fact that here at Bmovie Cheese we look very favorably at films that contain a "Timmy" (eg: Midnight Movie). Whats more, there are grave consequences for promising a "Timmy" and failing to deliver. I'm striking 2 points on principle for wasting my time and getting my hopes up.

Boob. Yes there is boob - a lot of boob, which explains the R rating. But I'm still so upset about the above "Timmy" fiasco. So lets say the boob content of Monster High garners a solid score of three, I'm striking off two by way of the said "Anti-Timmy" content and while I'm at it I'm striking another for the fact that the first half of Monster High is practically swimming in it, whilst the second half contains ZERO BOOB. And so as I drag my tired eyeballs across this 84 minute pile of shite I find that 40 minutes in, the one thing making it at least bearable (ie: random boosom accompanied by "boing boing" sound effect) completely stops! Why?  Why foster in your audience a false believe that there will be "boing boing" throughout the movie? I already bought the fucking movie! What is there to lose? I put this down to poor planning and editing. Spread those "boing boings" out for gods sake they're the only good thing about the whole movie. Whilst I will recognize the boob content of Monster High, for the above reasons it will not be translated into a final score.

As for the "Monsters"? You be the judge:




Easily the best scene in the whole movie. Groan.

Monster High takes disappointment to a new level. The mismanagement of "boing boing" content and the false advertising of a "Timmy" are unforgivable. This is my Passion of the Christ, my Satanic Verses, my Mein Kampf. I will not rest until every last copy is destroyed.